On Leaving

“You’ve walked around this mountain long enough. Turn northward” -Deuteronomy 2:3

This scripture verse kept returning to me at a time where I was asking for direction with my life. I was about to celebrate four years (on a mountain, no less) with an organization I deepy cared about, but at the same time, Tyler and I had been discussing a big move to satisfy our need for growth and yearning for adventure.

The decision wasn’t going to be an easy one. There were a lot of wonderful things that unfolded in the last four years while at my job; the opportunity to stay close to home had given me stability while I discovered more about myself and the life I wanted to live. I made friends, paid off my student loans and became financially responsible, made my faith a priority in my life through a church I came to love, and learned the importance of acceptance, both toward those close to me and toward myself. The work itself had also taught me much; building a business, working in the non-profit sector, becoming a leader and balancing that with friendship, developing the courage to stand up for my values, learning the importance of personal integrity, finding my voice among people twice my age and displaying empathy through deep connection with others. I learned invaluable lessons about dealing with conflict both within and without, which weren’t always easy to come by.

Further complicating the decision, this verse begged the question “is my mountain a literal one, or a figurative one?”. That’s the challenge with interpreting scripture: discernment. I was sitting on some figurative mountains as well, “mountains” I would have to move off of even if I stayed right where I was. So I prayed, I wrote, I worried and I stressed. Looking back, I should have kept to the first two. Long nights, even longer conversations, some tears, and a few bouts of stress eating later, I made the hard decision to leave this job I had grown to love. It was surreal to look around the property on my last day and think about how much had unfolded there.

“There are times when the actual experience of leaving something makes you wish desperately that you could stay, and then there are times when the leaving reminds you a hundred times over why exactly you had to leave in the first place.”

― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

The idea of moving and starting over somewhere new is scary, unpredictable, uncertain and exciting. This is the first time in a long time that I don’t have a plan, and to be completely honest, I’m surprisingly comfortable with that. The next month will be one giant exhale after a VERY full four years. As for the next chapter, a friend told me that when God is working in your life, the doors open in front of you without the need for force. The more I considered this advice, the more I began to trust the process ahead.